tie me up and make me call to you

33 weeks. give or take some days. i've reached the point where sentimental gays and nice grandmothers are asking me when i'm due. whenever i tell them november 14th, they say 'oh that's so soon!' and i always respond with 'not soon enough...'

when we found out he was coming, i couldn't picture myself ever being this ready. having less than 9 months just didn't feel like enough time, no matter how i tried to wrap my head around it. i just wanted things to be perfect for him, and at the time i thought that it would take us no less than 3 years to be able to get it together. but since then, i have slowly made two very important realizations:

1. i am stronger than i have given myself credit for.
2. NOTHING is EVER going to be perfect.

these days i look around me, and at any given moment i am just giddy with happiness. i am in love with our apartment, with our little town in riverside (who would have thought) i love our walks to dinner and to get ice cream. i am so grateful to be able to work from home, and to have my husband 5 minutes away and available for lunch dates. i love our daniel boone (even though he is currently running around like crazy only to stop to attack my feet.) blah blah blah... i could go on and on. i just don't want to forget how good this is. in just a handful of weeks everything is about to change. i anticipate a life well worth the changing, but this one, the one i have now, is also well worth remembering.

i need to remember that even when i feel like i'm not good enough, and we have to spend $600 in car repairs, and am in constant pain from gallstones and ribs that are stuffed to capacity.... i am still the happiest that i have ever been. but more important than happy, i am content, and sure. i just want to remember that in imperfection, happiness is still very very possible.

anyway, this week is baby shower number one, next week is hospital tour, the week after is shower number two, then comes halloween... throw in some more doctors appointments, and he will be here any second. it will be nice to have his bed slept in, and his books read. it will be nice for this place to stop feeling so empty.

i haven't written a word for myself in sooo long. its mostly just notes for work, or emails to customers. i do alot of circling numbers and initialing here here and here and dating here. i did write about 50 addresses on envelopes though, and i've practiced writing my new name over and over. and then there has been the doodling of baby names on Styrofoam boxes while im waiting to leave a restaurant. we're thinking indie or getty for a boy, and we like marley and maebey for a girl. we find out in about four weeks.
it's still hard to believe that it's actually happening. i'm listening to our babies heartbeat nightly, and im waking up early to make breakfast, and im taking my wedding dress in to be fitted, and i'm finding less room in my clothes, and i always have a hand to hold, and i never spend a day alone. i'm eating unhealthy amounts of mexcican food and cleaning our apartment, and attending weekly family dinner night, and apologizing more than i ever thought possible. i am constantly counting my blessings. yeah, it's all really hard to believe.

kurt nelson passed away last night. i guess they don't really know why, he just went in his sleep. his mom tried to wake him up in the morning with no success. he was supposed to be clean. maybe an anurism. maybe heart failure. or maybe it just is. these things sometimes happen. drugs or no drugs. it really is a shame. i can't fathom the pain his mother must be feeling. i can hardly fathom these things at all. i am becoming increasingly greatful for birthdays of the ones i love. not everybody gets to have one...

i miss full paragraphs.

“If you were to press your heart close up against somebody else’s heart eventually your hearts will start beating at the same time. And two little babies in an incubator, their hearts will beat at the same time. Love that. So if you have somebody in your life that is prone to anxiety, like myself, and if you happen to be a calm person, you could come up and hug me heart to heart and my heart hopefully would slow to yours. And I just love that idea. Or maybe yours would speed up to mine. But either way, we’ll be there together. ”
-Andrea Gibson

resolutions:

shake hands- i've already been working on this one, but it's been an epiic fail. i no longer want to be too nervous to introduce myself, so i will always try to offer my hand, and then my name.

move out- the location doesn't matter, just as long as it's not my parent's house. i'm thinking either san diego or back to logan.

when in doubt, give a hug- warm people give hugs to say hello or goodbye, and i want to be warm.

finish my book- it's about time i have something to show for myself.

never miss a sunday- no matter what. no matter how late i've stayed up, or how sick, or how annoyed. i'll be there.

weekday veg- i've been trying this off and on, but my memory fails me. the point is to have no meat five days of the week, and then you have the option of eating it on the weekends. i mostly just want to see if i can do it, but i'm hoping it will help me eat healthier.

i'm supposed to be washing my clothes.
and packing.
and running errands.
instead i am spending time with music.
we hardly know eachother anymore.
i need more hours in this day.
i guess staying awake till 5:30 didn't help.
the life of a vampire is hard.
mormons are so funny.
all it takes is stepping into a building once and suddenly you're getting all kinds of calls, and friend requests, and a welcome wagon, and personal invites to a different activity every day of the week.
all i really wanted was to go to sacrament meeting.
but i haven't said no to anything yet.
point mormons.
but i'm glad to be leaving the state for a little.
if only to get a break.
and to soak up nic tarbet.
and my neices.
and whitley. of course whitley.
i guess people are legitimately starting to wonder about her and i.
seriously people? seriously?
i would love a new sewing machine.
the won i have is eating up my fabric.
but i need to make things.
the world need more stuffed dinosoars and sock reindeers and black apple dolls.
i need to stop procrastinating.

i want i want i want
i want a bed of daisies. good health. a closet full of chanel. california and utah to osmosis into eachother. i want to be able to run at night without having a panic attack that someone is out to get me. i want to keep my friends and family close (dangerously close) so that i can keep them safe. i want a peaceful world. the moon. bunnies and kittens and hedghogs. i want two of everything so nothing gets lonely. to actually fall asleep when i lay my head on my pillow at night. sincerity. honesty. long long hair. unlimited amounts of madmen. yellow floral sheets. a life in the 60's. a coffee maker. a cannon 5D. i want to be a mother.

I have to believe that there is a reason for all of this. I must believe that I am meant for a greater purpose. That we are ALL meant for something greater. I have to believe that although none of us leave this life with a happy ending, that there will be a beautiful start waiting. I need to believe I can grow from this. From all of it. From Rusty's death, from Nic Tarbet's illness, from the countless number of those who have loved and left. I have to be able to make something from all of this sadness. I must, at some point, become a better person. An extaordinary person. I need to effect people. I need to touch lives. I have to do as much good as I possibly can with this one body, this one mind, this one life, while i have it. I need to make great use of this time. I need to strart now. Today. This second. This instant. I cannot waste this opportunity. There is no time for excuses. If i don't make everlasting memories, if i dont create a meaningful existance, then i will never have one. It will never be. I will have come and gone without a mark on my friends, or family, or this earth. Without a strong soul to take to the next life. I will have created no foundation. I will have done no work worth while. I must build myself up, from the inside out. It the only task that matters. It is all that makes sense. For the greater good. For this unknown purpose.

eaten a candied apple. (just carmel.)
had my face painted.
been anywhere or done anything with my brother chase, just me and him.
taken pills to get high.
been in a snowball fight.
won an arm wrestling match.
broken a bone.
tried blueberry pie.
dreamt i was flying.
left the country.
taken a taxi.
riden on a train.
seen a 3D movie.
snuck out of a window.
been in a fight.
gone streaking.
paid over one hundred dollars for any article of clothing.
worn a fake mustache.
gotten the thing i wanted out of a quarter machine.
been to the circus.
met anyone famous. nor do i have any desire to.
been inside of a gym.
had a california burrito.
played a carnival game.

i feel like i havent really lived.

"Just remember that the things you put into your head are there forever, he said. You might want to think about that. You forget some things, don’t you? Yes. You forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget."
Cormac McCarthy, The Road

ten dollars an hour for shredding paper today.
i shouldn't complain, but i do.
whatever.